Counting Time
by bevino
Summary: How do you tell the one you love that you love them? How do you tell them you're sick? Naruto didn't care, really. He had already given up. Twoshot, NaruSasu, SasuSaku.
1. Part 1

**Counting Time  
**

* * *

Part 1  
_by **Bevino  
**__  
beta'd by  
**Word Salad** and **Frathworth and Butts**_

_**  
**_

* * *

He had only been half asleep for the two or so last hours. Sleeping, but at the same time aware of the blanket against his legs and the now hard pillow underneath his head. Several times he had groaned and tried to make it softer by fluffing it up, but every movement he made hurt, so he had given up. His head would still be in pain when he woke up, so what was the use?

Light seeped into the bedroom from the thin white curtains in his bedroom. It was the light that was the reason why he couldn't sleep all that good. Now he would wake up too early, and the day would be as long and painful as the other days had been the last three months. He knew the clock was tick-tacking, and in his half slumber it turned twelve, three, six, seven, nine, and he would wake up to late to visit Sasuke and Sakura, and he would have missed the whole day, only waking up and go to bed.

Through the haziness he smiled in the bed as he went back to it, slipping inside the covers to sleep again.

A sudden flash of pain in his stomach made him arch up and hiss, rolling over to the side and almost fell out of bed, and grasping for the bucket that stood close-by. It felt as his insides were turning into outsides as he threw up inside it, mixing it together with days old vomit. His stomach cramped and hurt, he coughed and felt snot running out of his nose, tears in the corner of his eyes. He grabbed one of the glasses of water that stood at the bed, old water being there for days. There was a dusty layer disappearing into his throat as he drunk it, washing most of the bad taste away. His head fell down on the bed again, face down, as he got his breath back. Slowly the pain was fading away to the normal pain he had all the time nowadays, and his heart slowed down.

He looked up at the clock and saw it was only half past eight in the morning.

* * *

A quarter of an hour later he stood in the shower, the warm water sprinkling down his tired body and down on the floor, splashing around his feet. It had been a while since he showered, but today he was going out, and he couldn't go out smelling like three weeks of dirt. He reached out for the shampoo, hesitated and grabbed the shower cream instead. It felt good to feel the dirt being washed away with the water. His hands slowly moved towards his head a couple of times, only to be drawn back. Not today. He couldn't do that. Not today.

He stepped out and took a towel, dried himself of and grabbed a pair of boxers. They hung loosely on his hips, but he didn't have any smaller. No one was going to see underneath his pants anyway. His jeans hung as loose, and he buckled a belt tightly around his hips, pleading for them to stay up. A big sweater over his head, and he was almost done.

He sat down on the toilet seat and sighed, burying his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes. After five minutes he walked into the bedroom and reached for a blonde wig and fastened it on his head, pulling a black cap over it. Only a few bangs were showing, and it looked real enough. He made his way out and into the kitchen, moving away old dishes that needed a cleaning, and grabbed a glass of water jars with different kinds of pills. Swallowing the pills with a little water, then ready to go. A big jacket covered his thin frame as he left the house for the first time in three weeks.

* * *

The weather had changed slightly since the last time. Less snow and more sun. The spring was coming after a long, dark and cold winter, but he didn't really care. He didn't care to think about the weather.

Instead, he watched everything else, grabbing every piece of memory as he walked slowly to the bus stop. People passing him in the street, often with kids. The kids played around in the last snow, running away from their screaming mothers and fathers. A few elderly people walking by, towards the old park near the centre of the city. Cars in different colours rolling by, stopping for him as he crossed the street. He saw the beginning of a crocus at the side of the sidewalk, already being woken up by the early sun. It wouldn't be long-lived.

He turned left and looked backwards along the road. The bus was driving towards the stop, and he hurried his steps. When he arrived his stomach hurt again, and he grabbed the bottle of water in his jacket and let it pour down his throat. He went inside the bus and chose a seat near the exit, at the window. He watched the city passing by slowly, the bus stopping here and there to pick up people. Someone sat down next to him and he crept closer to the window. Two blocks away he was alone again, and the next stop was his.

He pressed the button, and then walked off. Turning a few times, and then walking straight. This wasn't his first time walking here. He knew the houses, and he recognized some people. His looked down into the ground as he made his way through them, keen on not being seen. He made his way towards his goal, a big white house with a large garden. Slowly taking the steps and then knocking on the door. He didn't wait for anyone to come and open, instead he just opened it and walked inside.

"Hello?!"

He waited a few second, and when no one answered, he kicked off his shoes but left the jacket on, and walked inside. There was no one in the kitchen, and not in the living room. But the door to the glassed porch at the back of the house was opened, and he took some steps towards it, but stopped when he heard someone's voice and his name.

"No, don't Sasuke," Sakura's voice laughed. "Naruto will be here any moment!"

He heard Sasuke's rare chuckle dedicated to Sakura.

"Naruto's always late. We can make a quickie, honey..." Sakura laughed again, and he walked closer, careful not to make any sound, which was rather easy, since he had lost a great deal of weight and was wearing socks. He looked through the opening, and stopped breathing as he saw Sasuke and Sakura getting naked on the soft outdoor couch. He could only see Sasuke's back and bottom and he lay down over Sakura, between her spread legs. A soft moan from Sakura as Sasuke penetrated her and he begun to move in and out of her, he with small grunts every time he went in. If Sakura looked up she would have seen him watching them, but her eyes were closed in pleasure.

"Make it quick", she breathed, small gasps making their way into her sentence. Sasuke groaned and moved slower.

"Fuck Naruto", he breathed. "I want to be inside you as long as possible".

A sting in his heart as he heard the words coming from his best friend's mouth. Fuck Naruto.

Fuck him.

Naruto felt his eyes beginning to dim, and he realised he was about to cry. With one last look at his friends, he walked out of the house and sat down on the stairs. The stone was cold against his butt, but he didn't care. It was only one thing of many.

Searching his pockets he found a packet of cigarettes and a lighter, and he closed his eyes as he sucked in the nicotine.

Fuck Naruto.

It hurt, hearing Sasuke saying that. It hurt so much. Not because Sasuke was his friend, no. That would have hurt, but this hurt more. Of course Sasuke was his friend, but he...

He had always seen Sasuke as something so much more.

But Sasuke had fallen in love with Sakura, and now they lived together in the beautiful house he had dreamed of since high school, making love on the couch and not giving a shit about him.

And he had come to terms with it. He had accepted it. He knew he could never have Sasuke, because Sasuke would never have him that way.

But it hurt, hearing how little they cared, how easily they could throw him away like that.

When he sat on their cold stairs and smoked, the thoughts he had tried to block away came running towards him. Depressing thoughts, thoughts about his disease. He hadn't told them he was sick. When the doctors had told him, he hadn't believed in it himself. He had been back a week later and asked them, if they were sure. They were. And the treatment had begun. He had been operated on, but in no use. They had given him pill after pill, and at last, they had turned to chemotherapy. But it didn't go away. Words like, you'll be fine and we detected it too late were said, but after two years the treatment stopped, with four words.

Three months to live.

He was getting worse each day that went. His thoughts wandered to his messy apartment, his disgusting apartment. His neighbours had complained about the smell.

But he couldn't do it. Every day he lay in his bed or in front of the TV. Eating when he felt he could stomach it, otherwise only drinking water. Getting thinner and sicker.

After a while, he had started smoking.

It wasn't like it could get any worse.

"Why are you sitting here?"

The sudden voice from behind startled him, and he choked on the smoke. He turned around and saw Sasuke looking at him with a frown.

"You know those things give you cancer, don't you?"

Naruto nodded.

"Yeah. I'll be careful."

* * *

Sasuke sat down next to him, but stood as quickly again. Naruto only watched him.

"It's fucking freezing," Sasuke explained himself. Naruto nodded and continued to smoke. He was on his third now, enjoying the warmth coming from it. It felt alive, between his fingers. Sasuke looked at him, he could feel the disapproval seeping from him and onto Naruto's shoulders. He chuckled and put it out against the cold step, but remained seated.

"Don't you want to come inside?" Sasuke asked him. He could hear the other was freezing, but after what he had seen and heard inside, he didn't feel like it. "You don't look well", Sasuke tried. That sentence made Naruto startle from his laziness and he stood up. He didn't want Sasuke to see, to know. He had to get out of here.

"No," he said. "I know it's been a while, but I just remembered something I have to do." He knew it was lame, but he couldn't think of something else. Sasuke always made him nervous when he looked at Naruto, and right now Naruto wanted to be anywhere except under Sasuke's gaze, his beautiful eyes. The sun had hidden behind a cloud, and suddenly it was winter and not spring anymore. Sasuke looked pale in the light, his dark bangs hanging in his face, and the light pink lips...

He guessed he had always been attracted to the other boy. They had met early in life, and Naruto had from the beginning had a thing for the beauty Sasuke had inherited. They had always been best friends, and they had always helped each other through things too. Naruto had been there for Sasuke when his family had died on a business trip, and Sasuke had been there for Naruto that time he had tried to forget about Sasuke and made a move on Sakura who had turned him down. Seeing as Naruto never had a real family neither, he and Sasuke had always got together at Christmas and birthdays. But a lot of things had changed since Sasuke fell in love with Sakura. Sakura, the girl who had turned Naruto down. Sakura, who they didn't even know. But he wanted Sasuke to be happy, so he let it be. Hoping it was just a fling. But now they had lived together for four years. And Naruto had kept away, not wanting to see when they kissed, when they were together, when they...made love. He didn't want to see the things that broke his heart.

He knew Sasuke was wondering why he stared at him. They – Sasuke and Sakura – had called him the other day, saying it was way too long since they had gotten together. Asking him for dinner.

Two months ago, the doctors had said the final words. Naruto had kept away, but he had also wanted to say good bye. Sit in the white wonderful house with Sasuke – and Sakura – one more time before it was his time to go.

But that was before they had "fucked him."

Naruto had always known that Sasuke had brown eyes. Dark brown, so when standing more than a metre away, they looked black. But now the light gave them their true colour, and Naruto smiled. One month to go. He was getting worse each day. Perhaps...perhaps Sasuke would contact him earlier, but he didn't think so. He could keep away a month. He could.

"No," he said again. "I must go." His smile grew wider and more insecure as he took one step closer. "Bye, Sasuke-teme". He gave him a small peck on his lips, before walking away as he searched for a new cigarette. Behind him he heard the door open, and Sakura's voice.

"Wasn't he going to stay for lunch?"

If Sasuke answered, he didn't know. Either he didn't, or he had walked too far to hear anything.

* * *

Maybe you have been asked the question, if you had one month left to live what would you do? You will think about all the things you would do, bungee-jump, jump from a plane, see the world, confess to your lifelong love, call an old friend...call your mother.

If his friends had answered the question for Naruto, they would have made a long list with all the things he would do before he died. Everything you could think of, and they would believe it.

Of course Naruto would do that! It's Naruto.

He guessed he too thought that, before the disease. Perhaps in the beginning, he tried to do some things. Half-hearted though, because at that time he had thought he would survive.

Perhaps you have seen movies or read books with people getting to know they are soon to die, and they make a list with things they will do before the very day?

He was laying on his sofa, his stomach hurt. He hadn't eaten since yesterday. The puree the nurse had got him earlier stood on the table, more stood in the kitchen. She had asked if he wanted to clean up a little before she went, but he had shook his head, knowing and seeing in her face that she didn't really got the time, but her nature and pity were talking through her mouth. She had left after awhile, and he had turned up the volume on the stereo and closed his eyes. Not too surprising he had gotten worse, and they had begun sending a nurse from the hospital every now and then. They got him food and checked up on him, gave him more medicine. Not that it was going to help. In two weeks all those pills would be for nothing, because they all – including himself – had already given up on him.

Sasuke hadn't tried to contact him. He didn't know if he should be happy or sad about it. Happy that he didn't have to deal with it.

But he guessed he was more sad than he thought he would be. He knew that Sasuke had understood the meaning of the small kiss. Who kissed his best friend on his lips without meaning anything with it? Now Naruto knew that Sasuke didn't return his feelings. It was it. Before, he could've imagined, and did, how he would confess to Sasuke, and Sasuke would leave Sakura for Naruto. Everything on pink disgusting clouds and happy always and forever.

It all seemed pointless now though. It was too late. He guessed he tried to comfort himself with those words. In two weeks he would have gone away, and then he didn't have to worry about anything anymore.

_Sasuke, __Sakura, Cancer, Apartment, Death, Medicine, Love, Loneliness. _

His mouth was dry, and it had stuck together as he opened it up to throw up bile. He leaned back against the sofa and breathed heavily. He had realised he had to take the chance to eat directly after the food or water had came up, otherwise it didn't go down. He reached for the puree and ate it slowly, letting it slink down his throat rather than eating it.

Through the music he suddenly heard a soft knock on his door. He turned off the music and rose on shaky legs and made the short walk to the door through the piles of junk dominating the floor. Along the way, he grabbed the wig and cap, pulled it over his head, unlocked the door and opened it slowly.

"Naruto?"

He heard Sasuke say his name when the door was only opened by an inch, and he let it open two more before he stopped, looking through the narrow opening at his best friend.

"I...wasn't sure you were home..."

What was he doing here? Why was he here? Why now?

He had the urge to just slam the door in Sasuke's face and lock it, never to open it again. He stopped himself from running back into his apartment and hiding underneath his blanket.

"It took some time before you opened."

He looked up at Sasuke. He guessed he wanted an answer. He knew he was smelly. He hadn't cared to shower again, or doing the things you should do. He knew he was disgusting, and suddenly he felt crawling movements all over his body, over and under his skin. The ache for getting clean became stronger than the pain in his stomach and body. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before he realised what he wanted to do.

"Hi, Sasuke. You want to talk I guess. I know I would, if I were you. So...but...but I'm a little busy right now, really busy, big time busy, so can you come back later? Maybe four hours or so? Thank you! See you later!"

He shut the door closed and stood still, hands pressed against the door. He knew he had been blabbering, and for a long time he didn't hear anything outside the door. After two minutes he heard someone walking down the stairs, and he breathed out.

And then he panicked. He quickly turned around and looked at the apartment. It looked like someone had a trash-war inside. His breathing got faster, but he forced it down, counting to ten, keeping his head cool.

Then he panicked.

* * *

Again, he stood in the shower. Again, the water ran down his filthy body. He felt he had gotten smaller since last time, he could feel every rib when he brushed his hand over his torso. Dirt fell off with the water, and for a second, he almost felt good, standing there. His heart slowed down as the minutes went, his skin getting hotter for every minute. He realised he was kind of hungry, and the idea of food didn't seem as horrible as it had just an hour ago.

Outside the bathroom, a cleaning company emptied his apartment off trash and cleaned it. After he had called them during his minutes in panic, he had realised that Sasuke didn't had to set his foot inside his door. But then he shook his head. When he died, he guessed he wanted his apartment to be clean.

He had asked them to clean the bathroom first, so he could make himself ready. They hadn't even lifted an eyebrow as they walked into the dirty, oh so disgusting room. They had seen this before, and would see worse. In half an hour, they were finished, and he had hurried inside his new hiding-place. It had been so long since he had seen any part of his home clean.

He lifted his face into the hot stream. As soon as the bathroom had become clean, a part of his apartment hadn't been just an apartment anymore. It had turned into a home. A little.

Again, he hesitated when reaching for the shampoo-bottle. But this time he grabbed it, poured a little into his hands and began to massage his scalp. He could feel hair between his fingers. Short hair, wet and dirty. Now it would be clean, and he would look nice for Sasuke.

Sasuke.

No. He wouldn't wonder what he wanted. He would know soon enough.

Not now, when he almost felt okay.

He washed out the shampoo and cleaned his body one more time before stepping out. A fresh towel hung on the hook next to the door. He had asked for the luxury-packet from the cleaning-company. Not only did they clean his home, but they also brought a set of fresh towels and bedclothes as such things, as they did his laundry of all his things. It was soft against his pale skin, and soon he was dried off. He had managed to find some clean clothes in the back of his wardrobe, and put them on.

He sat down on the toilet not knowing what to do with himself.

Now when the shower was quiet, and he had stopped moving, he could hear the people outside. Moving and running around, vacuum-cleaning his floors, talking to others, giving out orders. If it wasn't for Sasuke, and the thought of him (not that he did think of the boy, because he had said he wouldn't!), he would have been scared of having them there. Having them there to see how he looked and that he was sick. That he needed help.

He hated asking for help. He felt weak when asking, and weak when given. He had always done things by himself. The only person he ever had the guts to ask was Sasuke. But not since Sakura, not since her.

Now he stood here, hiding away in his bathroom, just because of Sasuke. Always because of Sasuke. He had his arms falling down his sides and stared into the door. Then he turned around, took a step forward, somewhat determined, made another turn and looked up.

Oh good god.

He looked horrible.

For the first time in a year he looked at himself in the mirror. He was pale. He had always been tan, always in the face, because that was the only place that always was in the sun. Now it was pale. He had blue bags underneath his eyes, and the three scars on each cheek had taken a new form, since his cheeks had turned hollow. His eyes looked grey, having lost all the blue colour they normally had.

But the worst part was his hair.

He had always liked his hair. It had showed his person. Bright. His blonde short locks were no longer there.

He wasn't all bald. Hair had grown out uneven, destroyed. He had spots on his head where there was no hair at all, and spots where it was longer. His eyes met his eyes again. He looked sadder. He looked broken. He looked like his hair. Grabbing an electric razor he shaved it all off. It was better being all bald than this. He couldn't look at this. Rather empty than destroyed.

After throwing the hair away, he went out. His apartment was full of life, and a girl stopped and smiled at him as he stood in her way. He gave a half smile back and stepped away, and took a look around. It was beautiful. They had done a lot when he had been showering. He was glad it was being taken care of. He walked into his kitchen and took his medicine that had been left untouched. He went to the bedroom and grabbed his wig and cap, and put them on. He had almost reached the door to when he was stopped by a tall woman with long brown hair. She held some papers and smiled nicely at him.

"You're going out, Uzumaki-san? We are soon finished, but we can lock this place up if you want. Just tell us where to leave the keys."

"You don't need a key. Just lock it and close it and it will stay locked". The woman nodded and her smile got even broader.

"Great! We'll send you an invoice in a few weeks then. Have a great time, Uzumaki-san!" She turned to leave, but he grabbed her sleeve. For a second, her eyebrow furrowed, but then her business smile was back and she looked questioningly at him, urging him to say what was on his mind.

He didn't know what he should say. Did he have to tell her that he would be dead in a few weeks, and therefore never be able to pay for the work they had done? Or could he lie and tell her that he was going away in a business trip and be gone for many, many weeks, and _therefore_ not be able to pay for the work they had done. Or maybe, he could tell her that it was now he had cash, so he wanted to pay right away? But in the end, as always, his mouth betrayed his thoughts, and had already spoken.

"No. I'll be dead then. Can I pay right away?" The woman looked taken aback, and her eyes darted first towards the apartment, and then his head. She opened her mouth, and for a few seconds, she just stood there, mouth opened and eyes looking back and forth. But, in the end, the smile came back to her face. But just as it had entered his mind, he realised that this wasn't the smile she had used earlier. This was a kind smile, a real smile, a smile of pity. She nodded, as if to herself, and wrote in the notepad in her hands. She ripped it off and gave it to him.

"This is your receipt, Uzumaki-san". He looked down on the paper in his hands, and looked up, not understanding.

"But the luxury-packet..." She shushed him down.

"The luxury-packet just became a little cheaper". And before he knew it, she had passed him and shouted at someone in her staff, leaving him with the receipt by the door. He looked at it again, and sighed. It wasn't like he had any use of the money, but he didn't want to argue with her. He picked up his wallet from his pocket at laid the money on the counter next to the door and went out. He took the elevator to the first floor, and left his building. He walked down the streets down to the city. He knew a small bakery he and Sasuke had visited some times during high school. Sasuke had never been a fan of sweets and pastry, but Naruto knew he liked those really dark chocolate things they sold just there.

When he stepped out of the bakery ten minutes later, he knew it wasn't time to go home yet. The money he had been given back from the cleaning lady kept bugging him. Maybe it was a sign or something. Maybe he was supposed to do something with it? He looked down the streets and watched the different kinds of shops.

He didn't know what Sasuke wanted. He tried not to think about it, but he knew it was there, all the time since Sasuke had been at his door. Was he going to say he loved Naruto? Was he going to turn him down, and end their friendship? Or would he only turn him down, and ask them to continue being friends. And when Naruto would never be able to live with the two last things, there wouldn't be a problem. But what if Sasuke wanted to be with him?

He shook his head and with that shook away the thought. No. Sasuke wasn't going to do something like that. If Sasuke had liked him more than a friend, he would've known. Sasuke was his best friend after all. Or had been, at least.

Flowers perhaps. That would give his home the fresh feeling it deserved after all this time, and he stood just by the store. He went inside and picked a pre-made bouquet and took a place in the line, waiting for his turn. Bored, he looked out of the window, at the people walking by, and the signs of the other shops across the street. If he was going to buy something, what was he going to buy? A man with raven hair suddenly walked by, and he stopped breathing. Of course Sasuke would still be around. What had he been thinking? He could've bumped into the other when buying sweets, and that would've been embarrassing. He watched Sasuke from the flower shop, watching him stop in front of a book shop, looking into the display window. His heart sped up, just by seeing him. What would having him in his apartment do to him? Sasuke looked up, and turned around, and for a second, he was afraid he would turn his head and see Naruto in the store. But he didn't, just continued walking until he couldn't see him anymore.

In two weeks, he would be gone. In two weeks, he would never see Sasuke again. Never see the black hair, the pale skin, the dark brown eyes, the smirk when Naruto did something stupid, the chuckle when he let his guard down, his chest against Naruto's cheek when Naruto was sad, Sasuke's head on his lap when Sasuke was sad, Sasuke's dark voice that one time made Naruto tremble, the worry in Sasuke's eyes when something had happened. There were so many things about Sasuke Naruto would never live to see.

"Can I help you?" He turned to the voice and saw a young girl waiting for him to pay, and he fumbled out his wallet and did. He took the flowers and went out, looking the way Sasuke had gone. He could not see him anymore, and he sighed in relief. He began to walk back home but stopped as something caught his eye. He watched it for a few seconds through the window, and smiled.

Perhaps it was just stupid, but he had always known to be just that. Perhaps he was being silly and just throwing away his money on something he would never look at again.

But maybe, he couldn't just let it go. Maybe, he needed just this.

One last hope.

* * *

When he came back home again, the cleaning team had finished and gotten out. If he hadn't known how his apartment had looked before he had stopped taking care of it, he would never have thought he was in the same place. The fresh smell of soap filled his nostrils. He went from room to room to look and smile. His bed had new bedclothes, white new ones. It looked soft and nice and he had to lay down on it and bury his head in his pillow. Then he remembered the time and went to the kitchen and placed the flowers in a vase and put them on the table. He looked at the clock hanging in the kitchen. It was soon to be three, and Sasuke would be there in half an hour. He took the water-boiler and tried to fill it with water, but the water was heavy, and his hand and arm begun to shake at the weight. He placed it on the bottom of the sink, and when it was filled with enough water he lifted it with two hands, giving all his strength to do that small action. He hadn't realised he had gotten so weak.

He went to the refrigerator and took a can of puree and ate it, swallowing more tablets. His stomach hadn't protested so far, but better safe than sorry. He stood in the kitchen for a while, enjoying the clean floor beneath his feet. He went to a mirror and fixed his "hair", and this time it wasn't as hard to look at himself. His walk outside had made his cheeks red, and he looked better, fresh along with his home. He went to the living room and started some music, the guitar of Lars Winnerbäck filling the apartment with life. He barely heard the knock on the door this time, over the soft music. He wrinkled his eyebrows at the time, and opened the door.

* * *

**To Be Continued**

_So, this was the first part of the twoshot Counting Time. What did you think? I hope you liked it. And a big thanks to Word Salad and Frathworth and Butts for beta'ing this for me! Thank you!_

_/bevino_


	2. Part 2

**Counting Time**

* * *

Part 2  
_by **Bevino**_

_beta'd by  
**Word Salad **and **Frathworth and Butts**_

_

* * *

_

The door swung open, and Sasuke peered inside, checking if the cost was clear. Naruto quickly flung his thin jacket over his shoulder and ran out, brushing past Sasuke who followed him down the stairs. They laughed as they ran, not stopping until they were outside in the warm summer morning. The sun was shining brightly and Naruto squinted as it hit his eyes. Sasuke, who had first run up the stairs, and then down, breathed a little raggedly, a faint blush covering his otherwise pale cheeks.

"_When did he come back?" he asked as a bounced the football he had brought with him to the ground a couple of times, as they began to walk to the field. It was a perfect day to play, and later – they had decided – they would go to the lake in the forest and take a bath. Naruto grinned, perhaps a little strained, and put his hand behind his neck. _

"_Yesterday, bringing some old lady with him". _

"_Oh"._

_They fell quiet again, until Naruto pushed Sasuke on the shoulder and ran away, looking back with a playful grin. Sasuke had no choice but to follow him. Naruto would never beat him to the field! _

_They arrived at the same time, laughing between their heavy breathing, and laying down on the soft grass. It tickled Naruto around his neck, and he turned his head to look at Sasuke. Sasuke had his eyes closed and his chest heaved up and down in a steady rythm. He followed the movements and smiled. He pulled a longer grass from the ground and stuck it into Sasuke's ear, earning an irritated whine and followed by a tickle-attack. _

_The day continued like that. It was hot, they had summer break, and it was wonderful. They played and fought, their young legs moved against the ground as they raced each other through the day, chasing, laughing, smiling, living. But all days came to an end and suddenly Naruto looked up, seeing the sun getting lower on the sky and turning it pink._

"_It's getting late," he whispered, eyes on Sasuke underneath him. The straddled boy frowned and nodded, getting up with his best friend and followed him home. They arrived to the apartment and stopped, Naruto nervous, Sasuke uncertain and uncomfortable. He looked at Naruto, saw the look in his eye and smirked._

"_Do you want me to come up?" The smile on Naruto's face was priceless, and a warm feeling spread through his chest, but that he ignored. They walked up the stairs and stopped on the third floor, Naruto nervous again, Sasuke frowning again. The blonde boy put the key in the keyhole and opened the door as slowly as he could, not wanting the squeak when the door swung open to fast be heard. He made it this time and he walked inside, turning around to say goodbye to Sasuke. _

_A mysterious creaking sound broke the silence, and the boys' curiousness was triggered. _

_It was a repeating creaking, coming from the old man's bedroom. Again and again and closer and closer they came to the half-opened door. Carefully Naruto stuck his hand forward and swung it open some more and they looked inside._

_There, on the old man's bed, was the old man with the old lady. The man was on top and the woman underneath and he moved over her in the same rhythm as the creaking. The bed was an old one and not a good one._

_Now, perhaps they were boys, but they were not dumb. Sasuke had first learned about sex when he was nine, and he had found some of his older brothers magazines, hidden under the latter's bed. Naruto had first learned when he was eight, when Sasuke one week later showed them to him. _

_But this, this was different. This was real. Not like in the magazine, where all the boys and girls looked fairly good. No. The old man was ugly, he had a hairy butt and white hair and he smelled of alcohol. The woman had wrinkles in her face and had too much make-up and a cigarette hanging in the corner of her mouth, smoking as the old man fucked her. It was disgusting, it was ugly, it was old, but most of all – it looked hilarious. _

_Naruto was the first one trying to hide his laughter. Sasuke had more composure than that, but it was a well known fact that as soon Naruto started there was no going back for Sasuke. So, when he heard that muffled laughter coming from Naruto, Sasuke suddenly barked with laughter, soon followed by Naruto. Of course that was when the old man saw them and screamed, tearing away from the old lady who continued smoking as she laid unmoved on the bed, watching the man who she fucked run away naked after two children, with his small penis flagging around. _

_This wasn't the first time Naruto had to run away from the old man and it wouldn't be the last either. It would take three years before the old man got away on a "business trip" which he never returned from. But now they ran, the second time that day down the stairs. The old man couldn't run around outside butt naked and even though he was drunk, he understood that. A long rant of curses hung behind them but was cut off at the heavy front door closed behind them. They were still laughing, even though it had been rather scary and Naruto wouldn't have the greatest time when he later had to go home to the crazy man. But for now, all that was forgotten and they laughed so hard Sasuke had to clutch his stomach and Naruto had a hard time breathing. Naruto was the first of them to cool down soon followed by Sasuke. Naruto shot a glance up to his window and decided that it would be bad if he went home already and decided to walk Sasuke home instead. _

_They walked slowly and talked a little, but mostly they walked quietly, thinking of that they just had seen._

_Naruto didn't get it. Once, Sasuke's mother had told them about love. They had made funny faces when she had and made puking sounds. Mikoto – Sasuke's mother – had huffed at them and had told them that love was nothing to make puking sounds at because it was the most wonderful thing in the world! Now, Naruto had never had a lot of women around him as he grew up, but he still believed what she had told him. And he knew that people in love did the kinds of stuff his old man had done today and that was where he got confused. _

_Wasn't...getting together, so to say, an act of love? What he had seen now had not been an act of love. Love was something beautiful, something wonderful and sweet. This had been ugly and hairy. It didn't sum up and when he glanced at Sasuke sideways he knew that Sasuke was thinking of the same. _

_After a little more than half and hour they arrived at Sasuke's, their steps slowing down even more as they came closer. Suddenly Sasuke stopped and Naruto did so too, turning around and watching Sasuke, waiting for what he was going to say. _

"_Naruto?" Naruto nodded, smiling. "Have you ever been in love?" Naruto pondered for awhile, but then shook his head. _

"_Me neither," Sasuke said and turned quiet again. They stood like that, shuffling with their feet, sometimes snorting at the memory of the old man doing the old lady. Mikoto saw them from the kitchen window and called them in, asking if Naruto was going to sleep there tonight. Happily, Naruto agreed. Mikoto knew how he had it at home and never did she miss a chance to take care of him, even if it only was a little. Later that night, when Naruto laid on the mattress on the floor next to Sasuke's bed, he began to wonder again. Had he really never been in love? What was love, really? He knew he loved Mikoto, she was nice, but he didn't love the old man, even if he was the one who took care of him. Did he love Sasuke? _

_He heard Sasuke's soft snoring and carefully he got up from the mattress and looked at the sleeping heap of pale boy. He was turned towards the wall, so Naruto had to place his knee on Sasuke's bed and lean over him to see his face properly. Slowly, slowly, he brushed some hair away from the pale face and looked at him, wondering, judging. He furrowed his eyebrows and went back to bed, but did not fall asleep directly_

_He laid there thinking for awhile before smiling at his own thoughts._

_If Sasuke and he were going to have...sex, it wouldn't be ugly. It wouldn't be hairy, and none of them would lay and smoke during it. It would be beautiful, wonderful and sweet. _

* * *

He lit a cigarette on the way back to the kitchen, Sasuke left in the hall taking his shoes of. He smoked it nervously, and his hand trembled as he took it to and from his mouth. Like he was freezing.

That was one of the memories that came back to him, repeatedly. It had come back to him as he had walked through the hallway, just like he had all those years ago. That memory of Sasuke and him. The first time he had thought of Sasuke that way.

He took some cups out from the cupboard, sugar, spoons and tea-bags. He knew Sasuke would want that, and something hot would be nice in his own stomach. He turned around to see Sasuke walk into the kitchen and sitting down at the table. He wore black as always, black socks. He avoided his gaze, and he crossed his arms and rested against the kitchen sink, waiting for the lukewarm water in the water-boiler to boil again as he continued to watch Sasuke. The dark-haired man didn't say anything, just sitting, interested in the floor. The seconds passed, and the water finished.

A comforting kind of light shone into the kitchen. A cold blue, but with the hint of spring yellow. Spring had always made him happy.

He drew in a deep breath from the cigarette and blew it out, feeling the smoke between his lips, savouring it. Sasuke looked up, annoyed, making Naruto turn away, lifting the water-boiler, but as he did, remembering he hadn't been able to do it minutes ago.

It was as heavy, and the muscles in his arm quivered, cramping, giving up. He felt the handle between his fingers, angular, black, plastic. He gripped it harder and then relaxed his hand again. Doing it sometimes, trying to explain, to cover. He swiftly turned around again, smiling at the man on the chair.

"I'm gonna put this out", he said, referring to the cigarette. "Do you want to make the tea?"

He didn't wait for the answer, walked away to the toilet and threw the cigarette away, standing behind the wall, listening to the sounds of Sasuke getting up and pouring the water into the cups, shuffling a little and then sit down. He walked back, smiling foolishly, picked out the small chocolate cakes, and sat down.

It had taken him one year before he had understood that he was in love with Sasuke. He had been fourteen then, when he realised it. He had been twelve when it had begun, when they had seen the old man and woman fucking on the bed. Sasuke had been thirteen, just turned. Always the first to do things.

They had never talked about it again, even though Naruto knew Sasuke had thought about it as much as he had. They grew up, Sasuke met Sakura, and that was it. They had grown apart, those last years.

Or rather, Sasuke had grown out of him.

His stomach begun to ache again, and he knew he couldn't drink the tea or eat the cake. What went in would come up as quickly. He pushed one of the cakes in the direction of Sasuke, offering him a faint smile, leaned back and looked out of the window.

The minutes passed away in silence.

"Sakura and I, well**…**we fought." Naruto hadn't been ready, Sasuke spoke so suddenly. He jumped a little, fast to look up at Sasuke, who had placed both his hands and his eyes on his teacup. "I...I have thought about it, you know". He stopped and swallowed. "You know...what you did". Of course Naruto understood what he meant. What else had happened that would make Sasuke come over? It wasn't like he had been in the neighbourhood. For crying out loud.

When he didn't answer, Sasuke continued.

"Well, that is because we fought...because I've been thinking". They fought because Sasuke had been thinking? Well, that was a little funny. What else didn't Sakura allow him to do? Use the toilet? He snorted and Sasuke looked up. Their eyes met for a second, then Naruto looked away, looking out of the window. It was the same as before. In the corner of his eyes he saw Sasuke watch him for awhile before bringing the cup of tea to his mouth and sipping it. They sat quiet like that. Naruto could sense Sasuke's nervousness and that made Naruto nervous.

Why was Sasuke nervous? Was he here to confess his love? All he had said was that he and Sakura had fought and nothing more than that. Oh well, he had been _thinking_ too. But what did he want? Was he going to turn Naruto down? Had he understood that Naruto was sick? Only the thought made his head spin a little and he felt nauseous. He didn't want to throw up. Not now, not when Sasuke sat in front of him, in his kitchen, listening, watching. He closed his eyes and hid it by looking down on his teacup, copying Sasuke. His stomach protested and he wondered if it was from his illness or from Sasuke being there.

Sasuke moved the spoon in the cup and he concentrated on the sound. Around and around the spoon went. Sasuke took one sugar in his tea.

He listened to the low music. The soft tact went into his ears and he tried to listen to the Swedish lyrics. He had heard them so many times before. Soft songs about breaking up, about coming home, about going away, about leaving.

What did Sasuke want? Why was he here? Why couldn't he just say what he wanted? Why had he had to be nervous? Why wasn't he leaving?

The thoughts spun around in his head. He moved his hand and grabbed a cold spoon, his own. The coldness seeped into his fingers and up the arm, up to his head. He tried not to breathe so hard, Sasuke would notice. He would also notice if Naruto sat with his eyes closed for too long.

The feeling of sickness suddenly went over. Again the room stood still and he looked up, hoping Sasuke hadn't noticed. He was looking at him though. Naruto didn't understand what the look meant. He had never seen it before. Sasuke looked normal but there was something in his eyes. Revelation? Suddenly he got up, almost knocking the chair over. He blushed and Naruto felt his mouth open up. He had never in his life seen Sasuke blushing. He looked up at Sasuke who just stood there with his hands hanging down his sides and trying to sort his feeling out. Was he angry, Naruto wondered. Was he angry, or was he upset? Why? Why was he blushing so furiously? For seconds he just stood there while Naruto sat looking at him.

"I'm sorry, it is clear that I misunderstood your...action. I'll be going."

Misunderstood? What was he talking about? Sasuke turned away and walked out of the kitchen, slowly, as if trying to keep his dignity. What had he misunderstood? What was is Naruto didn't understand? Sasuke had been the one talking, how could Naruto screw it up when he wasn't saying anything?

...oh.

Quickly he stood up, but after the last nausea attack it wasn't a smart move. Everything went spinning again, around and up and down at the same time. Through the sickness he could see Sasuke disappearing from the kitchen into the hall and he knew that if Sasuke went now he would be gone forever. He put one hand to his head, trying to make it stop. He grabbed the table with the other as he took one step forward. His stomach flipped, but instead of vomiting, he whispered. Whispered, because it was all he could do.

"Sasuke", he said. It was nothing than a mere whisper. Even he didn't hear it. Sasuke didn't stop. "Sasuke", he tried again, forcing out the words from his mouth. He was sick. He had cancer. He was going to die. He was going to die! He had fucking cancer and he was going to die! And it sucked! He hated it! Trying to pretend that it was nothing! Not telling anyone, not telling Sasuke! Because it would hurt too much! It would fucking hurt so much...! It would hurt Sasuke so much...much more than it hurt Naruto that he was going to die...

Because it was so, wasn't it? It hurt more being left than it hurt leaving? Of course it hurt being the one who died. But when Naruto died, he would be gone. He would never feel a thing again. It would hurt but then it would be over.

But Sasuke? Sasuke was being left. Sasuke would have to deal with the years after his death. The sorrow, the mourning. The knowledge of knowing you could have done nothing to prevent it and nothing to get them back. To get Naruto back.

Naruto didn't know when but the world had stopped spinning again. Maybe it was because he sat on his knees on the clean floor. Maybe it was because everything seemed to hopeless. Or maybe it was because he had realized that tears run from his eyes.

Oh lord how good it felt to cry.

One thing he hadn't realized what that he had kept chanting Sasuke's name over and over again. Not until Sasuke stood in the door opening with wide eyes at the wreck on the wooden floor. And he didn't stop until Sasuke kneeled in front of him and put his hands on Naruto's shoulders, rubbing them gently.

Between his sobs Naruto finally said what he wanted.

"You didn't misunderstand Sasuke". His voice was low and broken, destroyed temporarily by tears. "You didn't...I..." He didn't have to say anything more. Sasuke's arms went hesitantly around his back and he was carefully hugged into Sasuke's chest. It was warm and solid, just as Naruto had imagined it to be.

* * *

It was dark. Not the dark it was at night. Not the kind when you close your eyes. But the one that it in the heart where all the suffering is.

It could be depression. It could be having lost your mother, your sister, your granddad, your dog. That old grasshopper you named that summer when you were nine.

The darkness could also be from the time you were bullied, laughed at in school. When they kicked dirt over your face or when they called you a slut.

It was all the shed and unshed tears gathered.

It could be a disease. A dream you remembered, always called to mind. A nightmare where you were chased by wolves trying to get into your house.

It was dark. It was the kind of dark that lied deep inside your heart and mind. Everything bad happened to you gathered in a big dark. Perhaps forgotten but always there.

Naruto stood in the dark. It wasn't cold and it wasn't warm. It was terrifying, this darkness. Something shook and pictures fell down around him. A wolf came and pushed him forward but he pushed back. The wolf bit him in the arm and he scolded him, telling you didn't do that. The wolf went away and he looked ahead. More wolves walked in front of him and he followed. Cages appeared at his sides. There was a lion in one, a panther in one. Beasts of prey watching him with trained eyes. There was a purple dragon with long lashes. Another wolf with yellow eyes. A big bear. And a polar bear ninja.

The wolves were gone and Naruto was his English teacher. Through his teachers eyes he saw a horde of rabbits passing by and suddenly Sakura was too his left and said that the geese were loose. Naruto went back to himself and begun to run. If the geese were loose they were after him and he didn't want that. He heard a snake from behind coming closer having slitheredthrough the bars. His legs felt heavy as stone and it felt like he ran through jelly, slow motion. The snake appeared with slit eyes. Naruto tried to scream but no words emerged from his mouth.

A rabbit bit the snake and they were gone and forgotten, Naruto had turned away.

He stood up in front of the biggest cage of them all. Something shook again and a voice was heard from the dark.

_Naruto_, it said. Then a little louder.

A big fox came close to the bars and looked down on him. _Naruto_, it said and then it said boy in another voice.

_Boy_.

Yes? Answered the boy. He was a boy now.

_Boy_.

It was all it said. Boy could hear the growls from the other caged predators They all wanted out.

It was dark and they were his fears and memories and sorrow. And the big one...

The fox...

Face it. You have already begun, continue. Let it out. Let it free. Show it, let other people tame it. Let other people help you hope.

What will happen if I let you free? He asked.

_Boy..._

_Naruto..._

He turned the key.

_Naruto!_

And opened the cage.

_Naruto! Wake up!_

And the fox smile and he smiled back and the goose cackled and Naruto got his head chopped of by a knight sitting on a swing.

It was hot and something cold on his forehead.

Teach me how to walk on water.

"Naruto," a soft voice said. "Naruto! Please wake up!"

Let's see what will happen now.

He opened his eyes and saw a blurry shadow.

* * *

On Sunday he didn't die. Nor did he die on Monday or Tuesday. For three months he had counted down to that date. It would be a Sunday. _Three months from now it will be a Sunday and then I will die_. But he hadn't and not on the next day or the day after that.

He felt like crap. He hadn't left his bed in twelve days, not since he had that fever dream. Sasuke had practical moved into his apartment, it was made for two. Running here and there, one second and Naruto's side and the other getting out to get more groceries. Helping the nurse who now came daily, who took more and more tests and talking about getting an appointment with the doctor. When he was fit to, of course. And a smile and then back to feeding him pills.

["Why ain't I dead?" The words came out as sobs in the telephone.

'_Hello? Who is this?'_

"Why ain't I dead doctor?" The crying got to him and it felt hard breathing. Sasuke was out again doing whatever Sasukes do.

'_...Naruto? Is this Naruto?'_

"Why?"

'_...Naruto. I think you should talk to someone. Another doctor.' _

"I don't want to talk! You said I was going to die! Why am I not dead?" The doctor talked rubbish and Naruto hung up. He still cried when Sasuke came back and calmed down when those arms hugged him closely.]

It become Thursday and Friday. A week. He didn't know how much Sasuke knew. He knew he knew something, more than Naruto wanted. Sasuke talked to the nurse that came by everyday and Naruto didn't know what he did when Naruto was asleep. Sasuke helped him to drink the water after his medication and he helped him swallow the puree. He didn't know what the nurse had told Sasuke but he had asked her not to answer any questions. Sasuke didn't ask him. He smiled when he helped Naruto to sit up, when Naruto was awake Sasuke was awake. When Naruto was nauseous, Sasuke begun to talk about when they were small and all they had done. All the fun things and all the stupid things. And sometimes something sad, but soon followed by something happy.

Dark bags begun to appear underneath Sasuke's eyes and sometimes when Naruto was awake and Sasuke didn't know, Naruto could hear Sasuke walking back and forth outside his room cursing and crying. But when he came to Naruto's room he didn't say anything. Just smiled (which honestly was creepier since it was Sasuke). They didn't talk about their feelings. They didn't talk about Sakura or the fact that Sasuke was at Naruto's.

Naruto felt like hell. His stomach hurt and he vomited much but he didn't die. When Sasuke talked about memories he thought that now, now I can die happy. When he threw up in the bed he thought that now, please, now let me die and get away from this. But when Sasuke caressed his back and gave him pills that would make him better he thought that perhaps another day. Perhaps just this thing once again.

He dreamed much but he didn't remember about what in the morning.

After two weeks they took him to the doctor and went through all sort of tests. The doctor said it was too early to say and that he would have to come back in two months.

This hell for another two months?

Sakura tried to get in touch with Sasuke a couple of times. He didn't know how many times. In fact he didn't recall much about what happened those months. It was the same deal everyday and frankly, he did sleep most parts of the days. Most of it he did know because Sasuke told him afterwards. Sakura tried to talk but Naruto didn't think Sasuke ever let her for more than wanting her out of his house.

And one day when Sasuke walked into Naruto's room he was greeted with Naruto who had raised himself in the bed with his hands in his lap.

"How long will it take for one to get some food around here?" They still didn't talk about important stuff. Naruto still didn't tell Sasuke about his disease. Sasuke had probably figured it out, for Naruto had been without his cap and wig many times. But Naruto hadn't told him so Sasuke didn't talk about it.

Instead, they went back to being friends again.

Sasuke was still there when he had to throw up or when he was too weak to lift the glass of water. But it was lighter now and Naruto went to more check-ups at the doctor. But all the time it was "too-early-to-say" so it felt useless. When they took him out, they pushed him around in a wheel chair. His own doctor even pushed him to a therapy group where the people (who could) stood up and said, Hi, I'm so-and-so and I'm depressed! Naruto still only listened.

But it was now, when the darkness started to scatter, he began to think again. Why was Sasuke in his home? Was it because he felt guilty? Was it because he loved Naruto? Was it because he had nothing better to do?

Sometimes when he felt ugly and disgusting he began to cry. He pushed Sasuke away and went down in a depression. Sasuke looked tired when he came to his senses again, perhaps days later, but he didn't show.

* * *

He felt a little better today. His stomach hurt but Sasuke had put a record on and the soft song calmed him down. The soft tact went into his ears and he listened to the Swedish lyrics. He had heard them so many times before. Soft songs about moving on and finding the path again, about everything turning out okay in the end. Sasuke sat on a chair next to his bed, keeping the rhythm with his foot as he read a magazine. He glanced at the watch around his wrist and got up to make Naruto some mild noodles and his medicine. Naruto laid down his own magazine in his lap and watched the door, listening to the sounds Sasuke did from the kitchen.

The past month he had tried to tell Sasuke so many times.

Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto and I have cancer!

Too fucking cheerful.

Too fucking hard.

He had stopped counting time. He didn't have a new time. No more months left to live. He didn't even count the weeks and days anymore. He had lost count.

(He didn't count the time from where he should've died either).

He had gotten tired of counting time. Time was not important. All he knew about time was that he wanted to spend the rest of it with Sasuke. He didn't know if he really was going to get better. He didn't know if he never was going to get sick again. He knew that he had wasted too long not being with Sasuke and he didn't want to do that again.

Pondering like that forever, until Sasuke came with his food. He put it gently next to Naruto and handed him the chopsticks. Naruto took them without looking and began to eat slowly. Sasuke watched him as the late summer sun shined like gold through the was opened and the smell of flowers made its way into the room. Sasuke had hung up white curtains and made Naruto's bed with white bedclothes. It was the colour of cleanness and not sickness and Naruto even wore a white t-shirt. (Any cigs, Naruto asked. No, you're going to quit. Boo.)Naruto's hair was still damaged, it would never be what it had been again. But Sasuke loved the new hair. it was always so short that it felt like the fur of some soft little animal. Come to think about it, Sasuke had to rinse Naruto's ears later.

Suddenly, Naruto lifted the chopsticks and pointed them at the wardrobe across the room. Sasuke raised a delicate eyebrow and questioned him with that.

"In the wardrobe", Naruto answered with hit mouth occupied with noodles. "There's something for you there". Sasuke walked up to the white simple wardrobe and looked. He saw nothing and Naruto mumbled that he had to dig deeper. After some poking about Sasuke's hand clasped around something hard and he pulled it out. It was a little box covered in black velvet. He snapped his head up to meet Naruto's eyes but Naruto's soup was very interesting at the moment. His eyes went back to the small black box and he opened it up.

"A ring?" he asked after a moment.

"A ring," Naruto confirmed. He looked up at Sasuke and Sasuke looked back. Until his lips began to pull in the corners and he went up to Naruto and laid his hand on the soft head.

"A ring?" he asked again, playfulness in his voice. Naruto huffed annoyed and tried to look away but Sasuke took his chance and planted a kiss on Naruto's lips. The blonde boy's lips were a little chapped but still soft. Sasuke pulled back and smiled but Naruto didn't. Instead he took the pale boy's hands into his own pale hands and looked up in the dark eyes and suddenly... suddenly it wasn't so hard anymore.

"Sasuke?" Sasuke sat down on the bed and nodded.

And for a moment time stood still but began ticking again.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto and I have cancer."

* * *

**The End**

_Oh, look at that. I finished it. I hope you like the ending of it. I didn't want to make too much out of it and not say everything about it, because cancer is a terrible disease. Anyway, many thanks to Word Salad and Frathworth and Butts for getting it this good. Thank you for reading! And don't forget to review!_

_/bevino_


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